Censored memories…..

Thousands of words spread over white pages, scribbles of a life lived in chaos and confusion. Trying to sort through truths and lies, intertwined like a cluster of Christmas lights. The shame of some memories too great to remain in sight. So they get blotted out, written, recorded and then redacted, too painful to relive. Too confusing to ty and explain.

Sifting through the past trying to catch a glimpse of the girl she once was. Each year she slipped further and further into oblivion. Her words not matching her heart, her heart not trusting her gut, her mind a constant battlefield, her passions fading into nothing.

Fears of being found out as a fraud, only surpassed by the greater fear of losing herself completely. Years of joys overshadowed by rage, deceit and addictions by the one who had promised love, protection and provision. Words recorded in anxious, sleep deprived nights, praying for rescue. The loneliness, heavy on her chest, an ever present reminder of her failures and God’s perceived silence.

What are memories when they have to be censored…to live in such a state of fear, that even seeing events that occurred written out, had to be erased, the risk of being discovered as evidence too great to bear. Tears flow as she grieves the loss of herself, the loss of truth and the loss of a future imagined.

But God, in his great mercy, gave her a new book. Full of beautiful, pristine, blank white pages. Pages to fill with words of all the things. The joys, the sorrows, the struggles, the victories, the blessings, the grieving, the redemption.

And as she writes, she remembers that each memory is an important part of her story, a stepping stone to her true self and more importantly, a glimpse of God’s faithfulness. So that even in the painful parts, she can hear him whisper to her, you are lovely.

No more censoring, no more pretending, no more hiding. The girl once lost has been found. The truths declared and claimed. The hurts forgiven, the sins confessed, the shame erased. A heart restored to the one who calls her beloved.

A new book for a new life.