To Dance

I love to dance. I didn’t really even know this about myself. I am not very good at it, I am not very confident, read: I totally just step on toes and laugh my way through it. But I love the beat of the music and letting myself enjoy the movements.

Over the years I have attended easily over 20 weddings, almost all of which had dancing at the reception. But I did not get to enjoy even one of those moments. My prison guard did not want to dance, like ever. Not only did he not want to dance he did not want me to dance and embarrass him. I was one of those people on the sidelines looking with silent longing at all of those people on the dance floor, letting loose and enjoying the moment. Let’s be honest, most people are not very good dancers. They look dorky and silly in their movements, but they also look free and joy filled. They were not concerned about how others saw them, or how they might hurt their backs with some of those funky moves :). They just wanted to let the music tell them how to move, feel their bodies relax and enjoy the freedom to just be, well…themselves.

This weekend, for the first time in my life, I danced at a wedding. I absolutely stepped on some toes and stumbled my way through things, but I also laughed so hard I cried and felt freedom in my soul.

To most people watching, I am sure I looked silly, uncoordinated and ridiculous ( to be fair, so did most people on the dance floor, haha). None of those people would have guessed though that this one act was a victory for me. I was not held back by my prison guard. I made my own decisions and faced my own fears. I took a stand for what I wanted, and guess what? I had fun!

I’ll admit that being asked to dance by a couple of kind hearted men made my heart feel good, (even if they were asking out of pity for me, who knows…), that they didn’t seem to mind my total lack of know how just added to the sweetness of those moments. For once I was not on the sidelines, wishing. I got to be included, welcomed even.

I made myself step out into that uncomfortable space and enjoy the fact that I was free.

Was it an unexpected bonus to be swung around and dipped and twirled by a handsome young man, whom I will in all likely hood never see again? Yes. Did it simultaneously make me sad that I didn’t have a life partner to dance with? Yes. So many emotions all wrapped into one evening, but I enjoyed it all.

I made myself a promise this weekend, If there is dancing happening, I will be right there, on the dance floor, looking like an idiot, because I can. And no one will take that freedom from me again.

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