On my knees, repentance stirring my heart. How did I get here?

Fear has been blinding me, distracting me, overwhelming me. Words so powerful they strike me to my core. A threat that feels as real as hands around my neck. My children used as pawns, used to control me.

My heart in a panic, that is where he wants me. Firmly in his grip of control. His actions of betrayal and lies and stalking, all threatening my sanity, my sense of safety and my trust in truth. Where is justice? Where is truth? Where is safety?

My heart and mind torn up, trying to comfort scared children while not being able to breathe.

Then words of truth and power come alive off the page.

Psalm 18:16-19

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”

So on my knees I fell. Confessing my sin of fear. Begging for strength and wisdom. My enemy does not use weapons of steel or metal, but weapons of words, manipulations and fear. Tactics specific to my weaknesses. He knows me intimately and well, he has studied me, knows how to keep me locked up in this invisible prison, even though I thought I was free, in my fear I am in bondage.

So now I speak to my heart. Take courage! The Lord has overcome! Truth will win! No matter the outcome, I will praise the name of Jesus. For this suffering is but a moment. This brokenness is temporary. I relinquish control over the unknown and the what ifs. I will praise Him in the morning and when I lay down at night. My faith is not in things of this world, but in the one who holds it all together.

My heart is beating steady now. My mind at rest. I will not cower in fear, I will stand and face evil.

Because I am not fighting this alone. I am surrounded my heavenly hosts, and earthly saints. I have the word of the Lord, the sword of the Spirit, the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth. I am not alone.