In the waiting…

Do you ever find yourself offering your troubles to the Lord, placing them at his feet, walking away feeling a sense of relief and even joy, but then within a few days, sometimes a few hours, running back and picking up that burden for yourself again? I know that I do this more often than I care to admit. The reason is simple. I hate waiting and I hate not having control.

I desire to let the heaviness go, to trust the Lord with my life yet, struggle to let go. I fight his timing, and his gentle guidance by assuming I know best. How arrogant and foolish of me.

I pray and offer God my burden of my children’s well being, only to fret and worry late into the night that somehow I am still failing them and they will ruin their lives with bad decisions, or someone will hurt them because they are vulnerable. Forgive me Lord Jesus.

I pray and offer God my burden of financial woes only, to panic and stress when things get tight, forgetting that he has ALWAYS provided what we need when we needed it, often surpassing what I asked for. I take back control by getting so busy with every avenue of earning income that I overlook my most important role, to be available to my kids. Forgive me Lord Jesus.

I pray and offer God my burden of loneliness, only to try and fix the problem myself. Not trusting his timing in the matters of my heart. Forgive me Lord Jesus.

It is a fine balancing act, this whole trusting God’s timing yet also taking steps of faith forward. Out thoughts and actions needs to reflect God’s will and not our own fleshly desires. Faith demands action, not worry or anxious activity. Faith means we live in submission to God’s will and let him direct our steps. Sometimes those steps are scary and uncomfortable, sometimes they are slow and intentional, but they are always rewarded by God’s presence.

A friend recently reminded me of one of the most profound truths. When we are walking in God’s will, we need not worry that we will make the wrong decision because when our thoughts and hearts are in line with the Lord, our decisions and actions will reflect his character. If we make God the one true desire of our hearts, (not financial security, not finding a spouse, not successful children, not a prominent career or recognition for hard work) but truly just Him, he is faithful and just and will give us our desire, he will give us himself. We don’t deserve it, but he offers it anyway. Not only does he give us himself, he also blesses us with things of this world as a bonus.

I often let my mind work itself up into a tizzy, thinking of every possible outcome of my decisions. Fear makes me withdraw or put up defenses, or simply makes me freeze in indecision. Or sometimes I can jump into something too quickly because I am afraid that if I don’t, opportunity won’t come knocking again. All of those scenarios are lacking one thing. TRUST. My ability to trust in humanity might be damaged, but my desire and ability to trust the Lord can be steadfast. He is faithful, always. He is good, always. He is just, always. He is righteous, always.

Wisdom is knowing that in all things God is working things out for our best. Not the best according to the world but the best for our soul and spirit in light of eternity. Wisdom from above is letting go of what we think we know and trust that he knows better.

I have found it profoundly helpful to write down my struggles, my fears my needs, and then look back in amazement at the many ways that God has come through for me, time and time again. Sometimes so specifically it makes me laugh!

The waiting is for my good. It is building trust. So I will continue to wait on the Lord for he is good. And I will continue to ask for his forgiveness when I try to take back what I have already submitted to him….time and time again, because apparently I am a slow learner

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